Sara PetersonRaoul WalkerNobody Scores! - a little comic about inevitable disasterBeans MulroneyJane Doe

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Sara, Beans, Jane, and Raoul aren't all there are to Nobody Scores! No, there is a vast universe out there. Vast and malignant. And it is chock full of a particular species, the dreaded denizens of the outer wastes known to man as

You'll see these characters from time to time in Nobody Scores. Here is a handy visual reference plus tips on what to do if you should find yourself confronted with such a creature:


Genghis Khan. (fig. 1) What's Genghis Khan doing here? What the fuck? Seriously. This is not a very good sign. Well, however he managed it — it probably involves an amulet or some shit, don't ask, it'll only make things worse — he's stuck in this wacky modern world. His goal: to raise enough money to fund a new horde to raze this wacky modern world. His means: copy editing. Yeah it's probably gonna take a while.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER GENGHIS: Don't panic! Well that probably won't work, but try anyway. Genghis is probably not out to kill you yet, though he may try to sell you into slavery if you look too subservient. Best to just keep looking where you're going as if he wasn't there. Addendum. If Genghis is riding a horse, run like shit.


Catface. (fig. 2) Catface is Jane's cat. As a typical cat, Catface is far too sensible to think in witticisms, partake in schemes, obsessively pursue a single prey, hate Mondays, or indeed be featured in a comic strip at all; and yet here he is. Stupid comics! He takes out his existential rage on Sara.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER CATFACE: Look, he's just a cat. You can pet him, at least until he starts thwapping his tail. Then you should stop. Don't run, though, that just freaks cats out. Do cats really need that? I submit that they do not.


Skeleton Warrior. (fig. 3) The function of Skeleton Warrior is to shriek "CREEEE" and chop you up with his sword. He also likes – well, actually, he likes nothing at all, except for "CREEEE" and the chopping with the sword, and even that's open to interpretation, depending on your theories of the undead.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER SKELETON WARRIOR: Really, unless you have a sword, or an implement capable of dealing with a sword, you're just boned. Guns, they do not really work on skeleton warriors, unless you have one of those "street-cleaner" automatic shotguns in which case you most likely have your own set of problems. Under no circumstances attempt to "turn undead." You are not a "cleric", people. That's not "holy water", that's fuckin' Dasani. How many times do I have to spell this shit out? Jesus.


Fucking Julie. (fig. 4) Sara's archrival at the office, she is equivalent to Sara in most every way. Job title, ambition, general consideration of others, choice of perfume. However, Fucking Julie does not wear the swank hats. This is why Sara's a protagonist and Fucking Julie is a special guest star: hats.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER FUCKING JULIE: Small talk! You know, just the thing. Talk about the — shit, nobody wants to talk about the weather. God. What's that line you say, "working hard or hardly working?" No, no way. That's old, you came up with a new one when you were looking into the mirror Monday morning. What was it? Think! Think! Aw, jeez.


Rafael. (fig. 5) Rafael is known to bring the fun. Specifically, to his friend (with benefits? bonus rebates? special monthly offers? I'll never tell! Or will I) Jane Doe. Bringing the fun usually involves great suffering on Rafael's part, but it's cool. Rafael totally understands.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER RAFAEL: Relax! Chill. Rafael means no harm. Now, if Jane's around too, you fucking run for your life, but you knew that already.


Captain Krakowitz.(fig. 6) Captain Krakowitz takes no guff. Direct all your guff deposits to Nobody Scores c/o Jane Doe if you please. She's starting a guff collection and will happily handle your guff. That sounds kind of dirty somehow.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER CAPTAIN KRAKOWITZ: Go tell your wife I thought breakfast was great. Yeah, eff you too. And file those reports with Reilly, I'm sick of him bustin' my balls. Also, see above re what you can do with that guff of yours.


Biff. (fig. 7) Biff is blessed. For he is a young fit white male in the U.S. of fuckin' A at its peak. What to do with all those fortuitous testerone deposits? Fuckin' go get wasted and headbutt some cinderblocks 'till your forehead turns blue! Shit yeah. 20 years from now he'll make a fine, fine congressman. Always remember: nobody scores!

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER BIFF: Do not confront the Biff. Do not sniff the Biff, and do not respond if the Biff sniffs you. For god's sake, don't punch the Biff, he can't wait to try out his blend of Brazilian jiu jitsu and Muay Thai, and no, it doesn't matter if you're a thirteen year old girl. The best thing to do, really, is to placate the Biff with alcohol, though you're sacrificing the community for your own personal safety, like, way to go asshole.


Well that should do it. Hopefully readers will find this reference handy and useful! I — aw, crap. Wait a second.





The Sofa (fig. 8) has achieved sentience. Yes, in the race to achieve a hive-mind simulacrum of intelligence, the sofa have beaten out early favorites such as Google, Facebook, Wikipedia, and college Republicans: yes, it is time to utter the sentence mankind has dreaded for millenia: yes, fungus has won.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER THE SOFA: For fuck's sake, don't sit on it!


Well, that about does it for this installment of Trivially Useful Shit on the Internet. I'm your host, Brandon Bolt, and I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing sofas. Back to the comic? Back to the comic.



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