Sara, Beans, Jane, and Raoul aren't
all there are to Nobody Scores! No, there is a vast
universe out there. Vast and malignant. And it is chock
full of a particular species, the dreaded denizens of
the outer wastes known to man as
You'll see these characters from time
to time in Nobody Scores. Here is a handy visual reference
plus tips on what to do if you should find yourself
confronted with such a creature:
Khan. (fig. 1) What's Genghis Khan doing here?
What the fuck? Seriously. This is not a very good sign.
Well, however he managed it — it probably involves
an amulet or some shit, don't ask, it'll only make things
worse — he's stuck in this wacky modern world.
His goal: to raise enough money to fund a new horde
to raze this wacky modern world. His means: copy editing.
Yeah it's probably gonna take a while.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER GENGHIS: Don't panic! Well
that probably won't work, but try anyway. Genghis
is probably not out to kill you yet, though he may
try to sell you into slavery if you look too subservient.
Best to just keep looking where you're going as if
he wasn't there. Addendum. If Genghis
is riding a horse, run like shit.
Catface. (fig. 2) Catface is Jane's
cat. As a typical cat, Catface is far too sensible
to think in witticisms, partake in schemes, obsessively
pursue a single prey, hate Mondays, or indeed be featured
in a comic strip at all; and yet here he is. Stupid
comics! He takes out his existential rage on Sara.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER CATFACE: Look, he's just
a cat. You can pet him, at least until he starts thwapping
his tail. Then you should stop. Don't run, though,
that just freaks cats out. Do cats really need that?
I submit that they do not.
Skeleton Warrior. (fig. 3) The function
of Skeleton Warrior is to shriek "CREEEE"
and chop you up with his sword. He also likes –
well, actually, he likes nothing at all, except for
"CREEEE" and the chopping with the sword,
and even that's open to interpretation, depending
on your theories of the undead.
TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER SKELETON WARRIOR: Really, unless
you have a sword, or an implement capable of dealing
with a sword, you're just boned. Guns, they do not
really work on skeleton warriors, unless you have
one of those "street-cleaner" automatic
shotguns in which case you most likely have your own
set of problems. Under no circumstances attempt to
"turn undead." You are not a "cleric",
people. That's not "holy water", that's
fuckin' Dasani. How many times do I have to spell
this shit out? Jesus.
Fucking Julie. (fig. 4) Sara's archrival
at the office, she is equivalent to Sara in most every
way. Job title, ambition, general consideration of
others, choice of perfume. However, Fucking Julie
does not wear the swank hats. This is why Sara's a
protagonist and Fucking Julie is a special guest star:
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER FUCKING JULIE: Small talk!
You know, just the thing. Talk about the — shit,
nobody wants to talk about the weather. God. What's
that line you say, "working hard or hardly working?"
No, no way. That's old, you came up with a new one
when you were looking into the mirror Monday morning.
What was it? Think! Think! Aw, jeez.
Rafael. (fig. 5) Rafael is known
to bring the fun. Specifically, to his friend (with
benefits? bonus rebates? special monthly offers? I'll
never tell! Or will I) Jane Doe. Bringing
the fun usually involves great suffering on Rafael's
part, but it's cool. Rafael totally understands.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER RAFAEL: Relax! Chill. Rafael
means no harm. Now, if Jane's around too, you fucking
run for your life, but you knew that already.
Captain Krakowitz.(fig. 6) Captain
Krakowitz takes no guff. Direct all your guff deposits
to Nobody Scores c/o Jane Doe if you please. She's
starting a guff collection and will happily handle
your guff. That sounds kind of dirty somehow.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER CAPTAIN KRAKOWITZ: Go tell
your wife I thought breakfast was great. Yeah, eff
you too. And file those reports with Reilly, I'm sick
of him bustin' my balls. Also, see above re what you
can do with that guff of yours.
Biff. (fig. 7) Biff is blessed. For
he is a young fit white male in the U.S. of fuckin'
A at its peak. What to do with all those fortuitous
testerone deposits? Fuckin' go get wasted and headbutt
some cinderblocks 'till your forehead turns blue! Shit
yeah. 20 years from now he'll make a fine, fine congressman.
Always remember: nobody scores!
TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER BIFF: Do not confront the Biff.
Do not sniff the Biff, and do not respond if the Biff
sniffs you. For god's sake, don't punch the Biff, he
can't wait to try out his blend of Brazilian jiu jitsu
and Muay Thai, and no, it doesn't matter if you're a
thirteen year old girl. The best thing to do, really,
is to placate the Biff with alcohol, though you're sacrificing
the community for your own personal safety, like, way
to go asshole.
Well that should do it. Hopefully readers will find
this reference handy and useful! I — aw, crap.
Wait a second.
BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS BREAKING
Sofa (fig. 8) has achieved sentience. Yes,
in the race to achieve a hive-mind simulacrum of intelligence,
the sofa have beaten out early favorites such as Google,
Facebook, Wikipedia, and college Republicans: yes, it
is time to utter the sentence mankind has dreaded for
millenia: yes, fungus has won.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU ENCOUNTER THE SOFA: For fuck's sake,
don't sit on it!
Well, that about does it for this installment of Trivially
Useful Shit on the Internet. I'm your host, Brandon
Bolt, and I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing sofas.
Back to the comic? Back
to the comic.