Produced 10 years too late, Nobody
Scores! has nevertheless benefitted from my 10 years
of accrued life experience, the thrust of which is that
life experiences are bad and should be avoided whenever
possible. It also prompts me into meaningless digressions.
But what you're wondering is this:
As well you should! Lemme explain:
Anything can happen in the universe where Nobody Scores!
As long as it involves pain. (fig. 1)
The scenario of Nobody Scores! should be very easy
to understand because just like thousands of web comics
the world over it revolves around three young roommates
in an apartment.
P. (fig. 2) She'll tell you she's a creature
of enlightened self-interest. She's got the wit, drive,
determination, and sheer bitch evil of the group. Naturally
she works in the marketing department of a major corporation.
She likes tasteful decorations, good clean boys with
good clean jobs and clear career advancement paths,
hats, motivational materials, and reality TV. But, she's
got enough wit, charm, and brains that you'd probably
like her as a casual acquaintance. She's paying the
Doe. (fig. 3) She's changed her name so
many times she got fed up with the process and stuck
with this one. She's been best friends with Sara since
early high school (she was the cool one, Sara the nerd)
and only now are the two of them starting to wonder
exactly why they're still such buds. Jane's got tons
impulses and sweet new obsessions and pursues them in
the manner properly befitting America's least responsible
citizen. She likes hard rock, hard liquor, badass guys
in large amounts, and mass confusion. She is not
paying the rent.
4) He moved in three or four months ago on the premise
that he would be paying part of the rent, and that hasn't
exactly materialized, so: freeloader number two. The
purpose of Beans' existence is to wrestle with his art,
his status as a Nice Guy with the Right Opinions, his
issues, and his hangups. He likes cutting-edge art and
which means of course he doesn't like either much at
all. The one rare resource he's got is a functioning
conscience! Aw. Fat lot of good it does him in the Nobodyscoresiverse.
So these three plot and scheme and strive and dream
in their second-floor apartment and unfortunately elsewhere
as well, and see their dreams bear fruit, causing frequent
death and millions of dollars of property damage. Exactly
the way it is for countless young adults the world over!
I think it should be real easy to relate to. Because
I'm keeping it true to life.
Oh, yeah, and there's Raoul.
(fig. 5) The poor sod who lives downstairs, he knows
six languages, holds two doctorates, has authored a
variety of influential papers, attends no less than
nine important international conferences a year, and
is busy compiling a definitive tome
on the relationship between certain currents of late
20th century philosophy and trends in sociology. That
may seem a little vague but lord knows I the author
am not qualified to get any more specific about it.
All this serves him well in his adjunct teaching position
in a local third-tier public college, allowing him to
afford a first-floor apartment below three of the greatest
scourges humanity has to offer. So he hates us all.
You can click on their little portraits in the topbar
if you're having trouble remembering. Handy!
"But she just died!" (fig.6)
Yeah, that's the other thing. There's no continuity
in Nobody Scores! Unless specified by a handy sign that
says "Part One" or "Part Two." So
when the world gets overrun by wombats or Sara becomes
a vampire or Beans dies of consumption, everything goes
rewind before the next comic, exposing our beloved cast
to more horrible, horrible fates. Imagine Groundhog
Day without a victory condition.
Yaaaay Nobody Scores!
You can check out this
page to bone up on the smattering of recurring
bit characters you may find in these action-packed
Nobody Scores! comics, if you are feeling super studious.
Now that you are enlightened, you may go read all
of my comics with confidence! Or, other emotions.